I feel like I can finally put into words how I've been feeling, following the birth of my daughter. Not to say that I necessarily understand the feelings but I feel like I can finally write about it.

When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't be happier. After all, I had previously lost two babies. Actually, I was afraid that I would lose this baby too. Not only was I afraid naturally as a result of the previous miscarriages, but upon our arrival to our France trip last year, I had a severe headache accompanied with some spotting. You can imagine my devastation. I was unable to fully enjoy the trip, that's for sure. Even when the spotting stopped, I found myself going to the bathroom several times a day just to get peace of mind that it has truly ceased. That anxiety floated over me like a cloud, throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

I prayed relentlessly and others prayed for me too. Now fast forward to the end of January, to find our prayers were answered with a strong, beautiful, healthy baby girl. My rainbow baby because, of course after the rain, there was my rainbow. What a lovely surprise she was! (Side Note: Her arrival was quite the surprise indeed, check out my birth story - link to YouTube video). I would look at her and think she is actually here and our family is now complete. But then, as the days went by, I found myself afraid and unprepared to take care of her. I wasn't ready! I had a daughter, but I didn't previously know the gender of our baby. How was I going to take care of her? I only knew how to take care of boys, after all…I've been taking care of one, pretty well for the past 4 years. Wait! You mean I have to take care of both of them at the same time now? And all of a sudden, a beautiful blessing made me feel like I wasn't so blessed. The funny thing is I felt happy, I felt grateful, I was grateful. She was the one that stayed, she was the one who made it, what's there not be thankful for? When it came to caring for my son, it came easy. So, I gravitated towards staying around him instead, but when it came to caring for her, I didn't know how. Surely, God would show me how to raise her just as He did for my son. This is what I prayed for Him to do.

Maybe it was the baby blues or a mild case of postpartum depression coming to an end and possibly my prayer being answered (actually a combination of all of the above), but following a conversation with my sister (which I'm thankful for), my heart was finally able to open up to her. I could speak to her freely, tell her what my hopes and dreams for her would be. Tell her about who I was and who I aspired to be for myself and for her. That's when I began to find the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.

My advice to any woman experiencing anything similar is to turn to your faith, to find the resources available to you and/or rely on the close, loved ones that you can trust and confide in. Not anyone who will judge, but instead, listen and cheer you on. My sister kept encouraging and telling me that I was able to do this; that she had faith in me and she cheered me on every step of the way. That helped. Also, knowing that I had resources available if I needed to talk and people praying for me was huge. It was all hands on deck; the hubby was a great help but it was nice to have my mom come and help out for a bit and so did my sis (she did the drop off of my son when hubby would go to work). So, a strong circle is important. If you don't have one, I urge you to make use of the help within your community for they are there to serve, more than you know. Know that you can do this and stay strong mommy, you got this!

XO Danie