Needless to say that I was ecstatic after finding out I was pregnant again. So filled with joy and hope. After all, I had two miscarriages. To be honest, I was actually surprised that we got pregnant quickly after the second one. I was jaded and didn’t care to ever get pregnant again which was obviously a big lie that I convinced myself of, but really, could you blame me? I was coming to terms with the possibility of just having my son and I was fine with that. I felt so blessed that I even got the chance to experience motherhood and so, que sera sera! Then, I got pregnant! So, I was back to feeling extremely excited, which was later followed by the feeling of fear.

Here’s a bit of the background history. My sister and I are 9 years apart. This isn’t because my mom didn’t want kids closer in age, but because she miscarried twice after me and also experienced a still birth. Genetically, I thought I was prone to the same fate. How could I not? Was history not repeating itself? My mom was actually worried about the same thing. So, as happy as I was to be pregnant again, there is always that shadow of fear that I have to chase away day after day and week after week.

Some people may not get it, but with every passing week, I would breathe a sigh of relief. I thought I’d get over it after week 17, which is when chances of miscarriages decrease significantly. But then, the fear of falling into the category of having a still birth frightened me even more. I can’t imagine that kind of heart break and my heart goes out to women who has ever had to experience it. Finally, here I am at week 26, feeling like I can breathe a bit better, not because there is no risk, but because should something go wrong, my baby has a chance of survival.

It’s crazy how we take things for granted. When I was pregnant with my son, everything went too well that I had not a care in the world. Miscarriage must have crossed my mind maybe once. Now, I wake up and give my tummy a shake to feel the baby can move and gain reassurance that all is still well.

As a believer of Christ, I, often, feel bad for feeling this way. Let His will be done and all, but I am human and at the end of the day, all I can do is have faith that He will walk me through whatever happens to me in this life, whether it is a healthy birth or otherwise. I’m hoping and praying for a healthy birth of course. Trust me, they don’t teach you how to manage these kind of emotions in school (lol). Welcome to the school of life.